The origin of our relationship with ourselves is rooted in our relationship with our parents, or primary care givers.  Genetics, brain chemistry, temperament at birth, our developmental place, human evolution, our life progression, and our early and more recent life experiences also mold how we relate to ourselves.

As children, we need parents/caregivers who provide safe (emotionally and physically), secure, consistent, empathic, and loving environments so we can feel safe, loved, understood, and competent.  Most parents love their children, and all do their best to parent.  Unfortunately our parents may not have received the love, empathy, respect, and guidelines they needed from their parents, and hence, unless our parents were able to transcend their experiences growing up, they may not have been able to provide for us what we needed as children to relate to ourselves in a healthy manner.

Take a moment now, if you will, to ask yourself:  "What did I need from my parents?  More love?  More hugs?  More listening?  More rules?  More safety?  More consistency?  More joy?  More encouragement?  More time together?  More freedom?  More sparkle in their eyes?  More attention??

Oftentimes, painful parent-child relational patterns can be traced to preverbal/infant stages and we cannot even verbalize what "went wrong."  Other times patterns of shame and guilt (see Jan Middleton-Moz book on "Shame and Guilt") can paralyze us into states of self-hatred/loathing/ dislike or patterns of behavior disconnecting us from the shame and/or pain, such as addictions, compulsions, and other distractions (eating, gambling, alcohol, drugs, travel, television, avoidance, working out, etc.).  In addition, patterns of misattunement by parents toward us can be so subtle we don't even recognize them as "problems" (see Alice Walker, "The Drama of the Gifted Child").  Unless we have seen or experienced healthy connected relationships, how can we recognize or develop these relationships within ourselves?

Avoidant, protective patterns are normal and understandable reactions to needing to avoid unwanted pain/shame/fear generated by early misaligned relationships with our parents.  Our mind and behavior develops conditioned and repetitive ways of protecting ourselves against unwanted feeling states or experiences.  These protective strategies were somehow necessary to survive our early development.  We often are not even aware of these habitual ways of protecting, and hence, fall into repetitive ways of relating to ourselves, others, and the world at large which provide some measure of comfort and familiarity, but which also result in some measure of suffering, self-criticality/judgment, and disconnection from self.

For example, someone who had a critical and distant father and a loving, but not-quite-empathic mother may tend to develop a critical view of herself, adopting what she could take from her dad, (criticism), and be subtly misattuned with her own emotional state (because her mother couldn't quite "get her") leading to potential lower self-esteem, some self-doubt, and an unclear sense of "who she is."  This may make it difficult to be happy, develop a sense of worth or identity, and choose healthy intimate partners.

Self-relational psychotherapy is focused on helping us increase awareness of these habitually practiced patterns of disconnection from true self, understand the origin and original function/purpose of protective mechanisms, and through increased awareness allow us to consciously choose which patterns we wish to retain and which patterns of relating to self we wish to change.

Through the process of self-relational psychotherapy, as conditioned patterns of self-relating are understood and clarified in an empathic and compassionate atmosphere, an increased attunement to self with kindness and clarity often occurs.  Frequently such "compassionate insight" into self frees us to relate to ourselves with more truth, clarity, and tenderness.  Self-acceptance and forgiveness may also occur, freeing us to relate more openly and spontaneously within ourselves.  This "freeing" may also lead to relationships with others which contain more respect and love.

Some research has shown that, when clients who were in psychotherapy were polled as to the primary element which was most effective in their treatment, the clientís indicated that a "sense of being understood" was the most important factor.  Self-relational psychotherapy, in its simplest form, is the process of two people- psychotherapist and client-getting together in a safe, empathic, truthful, compassionate, and collaborative atmosphere, in order to truly and deeply understand the self.  This is a rare and precious opportunity.  I have great respect for those with the courage to take this journey.